“My Brain Won’t Let Me”

Yeah, I think I should use this phrase more often. My brain really won’t let me do some things, or handle some things.

Since I can’t talk about work, I won’t. But I can say that today I was frustrated to the point I was almost in tears. I was so mad, and so upset. Long story short, I popped a Xanax because I refused to stress cry the second month working there. My job is one where you need to be “on” all the time. You need to be hyper aware. You need to stay rational among the often irrational.

Today I almost lost it.

And it wasn’t my fault, but it felt like I failed. I hate feeling that way.

Good news though… I’m home now and feeling fine. Thank you magic brain chemical pill for keeping me from freaking the hell out in public and having a massive panic attack.

Remember how I said I cut my hours from 8 to 6 per day? Yeah, that’s because I used to have panic attacks in that last hour or so every day, and then I’d feel like I was run over by a truck for the rest of the night. Most people who are struggling with Anxiety and panic attacks can tell you that it’s not all in your brain. Real panic sends fight or flight response and can make your muscles tighten, your head ache, and give you a kind of tired that requires napping or extra sleep. [oh and that sense of impending DOOM] It also tends to make me clench my teeth, which makes tension headaches up the back of my neck that turn into migraines. It’s pretty sweet…let me tell ya.

So, things got a lot better on the panic attack scale when I got rid of those extra stressful and panic inducing hours. Before you say anything, I know it’s totally bad of me to avoid things that cause me anxiety. I should work through it so it will get better. Or maybe I will get used to it, and it will not be bad anymore.

Hey guess what! That doesn’t work. So shut it. Ouch! Too harsh? I’m just saying that when you already are struggling to do “mundane things”, like drive on a highway or go out to eat without panic/anxiety, making your body and mind slightly more at ease is necessary. I have to be able to function. Functioning as normally and tolerably for my husband/friends/family as possible requires a bit of give and take.

On that note, MAD PROPS TO MY HUSBAND RED-BEARD! He deals with a lot of my nutty crap, and does so with the grace of a saint. Sometimes I really need to just hear him say “everything is fine” when I start to freak out.

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